Merlin’s Christmas List

Merlin emailed me his Christmas list this morning. I have copied it, without alteration and in its entirety, below.

Meowmy Dearest,

Most marvelous of mornings, isn’t it! I would probably be able to see how glorious it is a bit better if I were not writing this from the floor you haven’t swept in two weeks. I thought we talked about what dust does to my asthma? Isn’t that something the nice lady from school talked to you about, Meowmy? Or have you forgotten? If you insist on living with filthy floors I would like some personal housing accommodations. This suits my taste,

And while we are talking about my accommodations I must say I feel I am too old to be using a standard box. It is uncivilized and humiliating. How would you feel if you walked in on those dogs eating your feces from your box? I am traumatized enough having been forced to move in with those beasts just because you could not manage your finances. If it wasn’t for Grammy where would we be, exactly? Even back in the days of the apartment I didn’t think that we would end up squatting in a multi-generational home as our forseeable living arrangements, but you cease to surprise me. I digress, the feces eating is a gross trespassing of my privacy and leaves me feeling nothing short of violated. I believe this would resolve the issue.

CatGenie 120 Cat Litter Box

CatGenie 120 Cat Litter Box – Self Cleaning Litter Box and Automatic Litter Box from petco.com

CatGenie. Just like your cat, it’s completely self-washing. $270.00

The world’s only self-flushing, self-cleaning cat box. You’ll never scoop, touch, change or buy litter again.

Also, in the interest of modesty I would like this to be installed as well, which should provide enough space to use as my bathroom stall with the cat genie, as well as dressing quarters.

Furthermore, Meowmy, I know you have been having some trouble looking presentable yourself. I have contacted Stacy and Clinton from TLC with footage of you dressing in the morning. I trust you share my hopeful anxiety as we wait for their reply! In the meantime, I am confident that this outfit featured in “Wizarding For Feline Men” is precisely the formal look I need to complete my own wardrobe. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, Meowmy, but appearance is a huge part of success.

Finally, I would also like this calendar in order to keep track of my engagements. I do not care to explain my choice.

With love inextricably tied to both obligation and inertia,

Merlin

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9 Comments

  1. Pingback: Let’s have a toast for the douchebags | Natty and the City

  2. Pingback: Let’s have a toast for the douchebags | To Love and Adventure!

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